thechristmasprojectdiary

It’s two o’clock in the morning and I cannot sleep. I have been lying in bed endeavouring to sleep, yet my mind will not settle. Sleep evades me. Sleep evades me, because my mind continues to buzz through a range of diverse thoughts….. and frankly a good number of them are probably just proving to help form a spiral that isn’t a good one.

I started this blog on the 25h December, with the main hope that it would proved to be a constructive, fun-filled distraction in the days ahead of 2022. Yet the goal I had, (that of being able to be perhaps a little each day distracted away from both world events and personal events), evades me.

I cannot be distracted currently. Instead, endeavouring to find time daily to ‘escape,’ via putting together a daily blogpost about ‘a little something Christmasy’ has just become another burden, another source of guilt, another source of disappointment wanting to fall down around me.

As I sit now in the semi-lit living area of my home typing away to create this very blogpost, the Christmas tree in front of me, rather than being a source of joy, is a source of condemnation. Where previously I saw individual decorations glistening and being sources of wonder and creative expression, now my mind jumps at once to see the gaps between them that could have been filled with beautiful bows.

I see the Christmas garland hanging in the archway, and again I see it only partially finished on the decorating front. My mind reminds me of how these various areas of decoration are all not quite finished, because time and energy have not been present to take it all to the greater, more elaborate level of overall decoration that I would have loved to have achieved.

The burden of trying to do everything to the best of my ability has become heavier and heavier, and guilt and condemnation each want to come down hard around me.

I asked my daughter a couple of days ago, “Shall we take the Christmas decorations down? Do you think it is time to just put it all away?” I was seeking her feedback, because my own discouragement was percolating to the surface.

Going AWOL. Just choosing to walk away and give up this blog, I really am very close to that point. The last two years have just been too hard, and I just don’t know how or when a potential breakthrough could enter my life. My ability to be distracted, my ability to try and find a small pocket of joy to escape to each day, it is not habitual enough at present in any measure.

Having the Christmas trees out and about in the living area right through to now the month of March has been a source of joy. My daughter stated to me that in her opinion they needed to stay still, because they (and I now directly quote her) “Make the house happy.”

I do still agree with her on some level. They DO make the house happy, in that they remind me of past Christmas times that were happy and with people we loved and laughed with.

They DO make the house happy, in that they provide colour and bright, happy decoration, within a house that has old beige toned wallpaper that is at various stages of peeling, falling off and being plain damaged in a number of places.

They DO make the house happy, in that those items occupying floorspace cover carpet that appears in places worn and even sometimes patchy and stained.

They make the house happy, particularly when we occasionally switch on the fairy lights and the lights all twinkle and seem to joyfully dance about on the various lighting sequences we selected for them.

Yet, within myself I struggle with seeing the trees, the Nativity characters, the Christmas wreaths and all that is currently set up and out, and think about all that I HAVEN’T got on to, due to time and energy evading me.

“Peace on Earth, Goodwill to ALL Mankind…” Perhaps the conflict I have currently is one that IS in fact very Christmasy, in that I am still caught up in feeling a need to be terribly busy, rather than just contemplative.

Perhaps the conflict I have is one that is very Christmasy, in that I am still caught up in the superficial and not the essence of Christmas; that I am still missing that Christmas, IS surely supposed to be about reminding us about GRACE, about PEACE, and about KINDNESS and about LOVE.

Rather than beating myself up about being not able to keep up and keep on top of all that I would want and wish to do, perhaps I need to accept and extend more grace to myself.

Doing things perfectly, aiming to always do things just so, according to some preconceived and ordained timetable and standard, it is a great trap. And yes, this particular gal perhaps has well and truly fallen into it, hence my sense of pervading guilt and disappointment. You can set out with grand dreams and visions and then when the reality of life and the limits of time and energy kick in, it feels like it is a huge failure. But is it really?

What is the point in whipping yourself along, when you WOULD in fact extend GRACE, PEACE, KINDNESS and LOVE to someone else, should they instead be in the very place you are at currently?

As I look across to the smallest Christmas tree, nestled quite close to the fireplace, I have noted there is a white dove resting alone and visible in one of its branches. It is interesting how sometimes you can see things suddenly afresh. The dove of peace. The dove of grace. The dove of seeking a resting & landing place for an ark that was on deep and troubled waters for a time…..

Perhaps Christmas needs to stay visible in my house at least a little longer, so I cannot miss the visual symbols that need to yet be more fully grasped and taken onboard, via my mind’s eye, and therefore delivered to the depths of my mind and soul.

GRACE, PEACE, KINDNESS and LOVE. They are very, very Christmasy for sure.